Another sleepless night..

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
Mark 15: 33
My words have never had much impact or need to be listened to,and yet I still hope these words will not go unheard.I was given a chance to voice my pain,your mistake, aloud and I let the chance slip away.Now I want to give you the words I was unable to give to you two years ago...I'm sorry,I am so sorry if I somehow I gave you the silent permission to cause me the pain you did.I am sorry if I crossed a line.I am so sorry that I was naive not to realize  just how far a person's hatred could reach,or hurt. I'm sorry that you broke a little girls trust,but you victimized me.

I forgive you,for every sleepless night,for every nightmare and for every shower that will never remove this stain.I forgive you for the hatred you planted in a littles girl heart,that has now blossomed.
I'm sorry I wanted a dad, a father figure and im  sorry that I try to find that in you..

How many nights did you wait for sleep to find me? How many nights did you pick me up and carry me to your room...and never once did I give it thought..because I never knew.Your eyes did far more worse than your hands...they never left me,made my skin crawl,made me wish that soap really worked..
Im sorry that I was your victim that I was weak...but im not,am I? No. I shouldn't give you the sastifaction of my apology,my tears,my forgiveness and yet im strong enough to let go..Thank you,because you will never know what you taught me.
There are nights I can't sleep when the feel of your hands are still on my body,and when I hate you for the bile that rises in my throat...I just want to forget.
I want the tears to stop stinging my eyes,stop making me feel so damn weak and vunerable.
I want to forget about your eyes,your hands, your drunken words and apologies..
I hate feeling hollow and disgusting..I hate myself because of you.
If this is what has become of"Daddy's Little Girl"i'd hate to see what has become of you..

You will never know how long I questioned my fragile faith in the middle of the night.
What god lets this happen to a child? How loving and forgiving he is...
It's not me who should look for his forgiveness,but him to me.
I forgive you.

James,
I'm sorry you had the strength to break a child,the strength to not only try once..
I forgive you and I hope one day I will find the strength to let go of this hate and bitterness that is foever a part of me.I just want to forget..I hope your happy,I really do and I hope you learn to live with yourself.
    
Sincerely,Halie